Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Mister Rhys Mystery, Case #10: Nessie

There is a word that the liberal left like to overuse when talking about legendary but shy beasts, and it is this: cryptid. It's a derogatory term that basically means 'imaginary animal', and is lazily applied to a multitude of unexplained biological wonders, for which conventional science has found no 'proof'. Bigfoot is one such 'cryptid' and the Loch Ness Monster, aka Nessie, is another.

Nessie is undoubtedly one of the most famous of these cryptids and dates back to the 7th century, where there reports of a 'monster' on the prowl in Loch Ness. These reports were, clearly, heavily embellished, and the term word 'monster' is a woefully inaccurate description, given what we know of Nessie's kind-hearted temperament. She is a gentle, loving beast who, it is posited by me some, may well be a fallen angel with healing tears and a sword of light. Admittedly, she has never been photographed wielding a sword of light, but there is some argument for the fact that anything composed entirely of light might not come out in a photograph.

But I digress (and will stick to the facts).

Nessie was dubbed the Loch Ness Monster (LNM) in 1933, a time of peace, between two world wars, and she was seen out of the water, crossing a road. She was also blamed for someone else falling off a motorbike, but this is a great, dirty lie. She was photographed for the first time in 1934 and, I think you'll agree, she is magnificent. In 1938, some bright spark decided to go on a Nessie hunt with a great big harpoon gun. She was then not seen again until the 50s. Coincidence? (Trick question; there is no such thing!)

When they did manage to find her in 1954, it was with sonar technology. This is when a boat makes sounds and... yes, well this leads to knowing what is in the water! It proved inconclusively that there was something moving under the boat and that this was, almost definitely Nessie. That this experiment has not been replicated to this day, despite great advances in technology, is clearly a case of Nessie's introverted nature at play. She has shown us once that she is with us, and that is enough.

In 2003, the BBC supposedly debunked the supposed myth of the 'supposed' Loch Ness Monster, by doing lots of scans of the loch with lots of sonar and... other things... that would be able to find something the size of a small buoy. They found nothing and the scientists, who had nothing better to do apparently, proved that there was no such thing as an LNM.


If you believe, like some, that Nessie has a great big light sword, and is a fallen angel with healing tears, do you think that a little bit of sonar or radar or what-have-you couldn't be fooled? I'm not entirely sure of the logistics but then I'm not a divine being. I imagine that a simple bit of sword swirling is involved and then the sonar noises go back to the boats saying something along the lines of 'there's just normal water here, boss'. (If that's how sonar works, I don't know; I clearly have better things to do than learn science.)

She's out there, no matter what the television people say, you mark my words. And she will rise from that loch, oh yes, she will rise! not sure what she's going to do then, but, well, she does have that sword...


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