Monday, 20 June 2011

Mister Rhys Mystery, Case #2: Bigfooty

If my last M R Mystery about The Bristol Hum was apt, given that I'd just moved to Bristol, then this one about Bigfoot is super-apt. Everyone knows I have big feet! I suggest watching this video to get you in the mood:

To make this topic even more... topical, there was a report just recently, stating: Bigfoot Investigators to test hair DNA. Which is referring to a clump of hair that was found mysteriously by truckers, on a truck. According to the article, 'it's creepy, and it's not a bear.' So it's definitely not a bear. But, just playing devil's advocate, could it be the hair of any of the other mammals that exist?

Well that's what the Bigfoot Investigators are about to find out! Yes, yes that is a job and you wish it was yours.

Bigfoot Investigators are, of course, a special breed, and they have a natural enemy, one that's blighted their attempts to find Bigfoot ever since he was first invented, I mean spotted. That enemy, my friends?

The hobo.

You see, hobos, or 'homeless persons' to use the scientific term, are, in almost every single way, the exact same as Bigfoot. According to an expert in the field, this is not just a surface similarity, but goes down to the very genetics: 'Of course, if you take a DNA sample and it comes back near-human or primate, then it would match both Bigfoot and a homeless person.' Of course.

You would be forgiven for thinking that homeless persons we actual human beings, given their occasional use of language, and general human fleshiness, but this is, in fact, a myth. Homeless persons are close to human, certainly, and our nearest cousins, after monkeys and apes and Bigfoot, but science definitely agrees that they are a whole other life form.

And so unfortunately, this hair may not be from the lesser-known Bigfoot, but the more common hobo, and there's no real way of knowing. Until then, we will have to settle for the photographic evidence already compiled by the Bigfoot Investigators, almost all of which haven't been definitively confirmed as men in gorilla costumes/homeless persons:

 I'm convinced.


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