Mister Rhys Mysteries, Case #12: You Can Read Minds!?

There was once a man, from Israel. A strange man, with unique supernatural gifts, and a message. People began believing in him, and his gifts, and his message, and they began to follow him. And then came the naysayers and the non-believers who made it their mission to discredit and humiliate this sacred man.

This man? Sir Uri Geller*.

His enemies? The media and science.

Geller was a man of extraordinary gifts and, refreshingly, didn't pretend that they originated from anywhere spiritual or religious. He was honest: his powers came from aliens. So what? But that isn't enough for some people, oh no, they want 'proof'.

He could do insane things, like read minds, and make spoons melt, and dowse, and predict sporting results with a nearly 50% level of accuracy. Isn't that proof enough? Apparently not. Scientists would say his mind reading was just 'a parlour trick', and that a nearly 50% accuracy rate when it came to predicting sporting results meant that most of the time he was wrong, and that placed him somewhere below most sports fans.

And then there was Johnny Carson and the Tonight Show, which set out to 'interview' Uri and 'disprove' his dowsing and spoon-bending ability. See the video below for this supposed evidence.

He was tricked! Probably. Everyone knows that alien powers are very shy, and who's to say that the host hadn't tampered with things? Maybe there was no water in any of the canisters, and maybe the spoons were made of non-melting, indestructible materials. Who will ever know? Cynics can be just as corrupt as the 'frauds' that they attempt to discredit, n'est pas?

But Uri is a psychic, that's indisputable. He's not Professor X level, obviously, but he's up there. Maybe it's his entrance into the entertainment industry that made his claims appear less valid and has attracted so much scorn. Or it could be his chairmanship of oft-predicted-to-win-but-oft-lose Exeter Football Club, or his association with man-child Michael Jackson (and his ill-fated recommendation that he let Martin Bashir film that documentary), or his insistence that there is Egyptian treasure buried off the coast of Scotland, or the fact that he tried to sue Nintendo as he felt that Pokemon defamed him. Who can say? Who would want to say?**

All I know is that Uri: I believe.

CASE CLOSED.

*Uri Geller is not, technically, a Sir.
** Geller is notoriously litigious - it is best not to say.

Mister Rhys Mystery, Case #11: Disappearing Woman

There is a tendency, amongst some, to make grand, sweeping statements about women, in order to get a cheap laugh. 'They can't drive!', for example, or 'they have no sense of direction!', or 'menstruation really happens!', and so on and so forth. Some of us, however, are far too classy for such things, so please do not expect that level of misogyny in this post. Women make excellent drivers, have senses of direction at, or only slightly under, the level of men, and I'm not touching periods with a ten-foot pole. Literally.

The story here begins, as do so many others, with Amelia Earhart. She was so many things to so many people: a role model, a hero, and an idol to millions. Thinking about it, those are more or less the same thing... She had a lot of jobs though! One of her best known jobs was to try and break aviation records for women. She was quite good at breaking records, in that she succeeded at breaking them, and she became not bad at flying (unfortunately in that order).

One day, in 1937, she decided to break a flying-around-the-world record. It wasn't the First Person To Do It record, nor the Fastest Person To Do It record but it was The One Who Went the Longest Way Round record. It is, in these modern times, difficult to see why anyone would want to break an inefficiency record, but this was the Olden Days and that was just how things got done.

Anyway, all went well until it really did not. On her way to Howland Island (an island set right in the middle of the sea), Amelia's plane disappeared, and she was never heard from again, and nor was her plane. There are a million crackpot theories on what happened to her afterwards, and they are all nuts, apart from the one about her being a super-spy, which sounds fairly reasonable.

Now, here's where tings get spooky. Some other famous woman also went missing! For a bit.

That lady's name is Agatha Christie and for ten days in 1926 she disappeared from the face of the earth, returning with absolutely no memory of what happened. Now, I know what you're thinking:

a) Aliens
b) Unconnected

And my answer to you would be:

a) Probably
b) Wrong!

It's not just the famous old women that disappeared, I'd venture to guess that maybe hundred of other women have disappeared mysteriously in the last century, all apparently unrelated and for no discernible reason. That sounds like a pattern to me!

So, yes, it's almost certainly something to do with aliens, isn't everything? But what if this isn't anything to do with aliens? What if this is something altogether more... historical? Ever hear of a little group called the Amazons?

Now, did they really die out with the Greeks, like everyone says, or did they really go underground? And to what purpose are they abducting these brilliant women? Army-building? That sounds a bit far-fetched. Or does it? Think about it, they'd need to learn how all this modern technology works, so they took a brilliant aviational mind like Earhart's. They need to know about modern killing techniques, so they take the master of murder, Christie (just for a bit). They need numbers, so they take... all of the other women who have disappeared throughout history.

They're biding their time, clearly. It's been nearly a hundred years since they took Christie, and murder has moved beyond Poirot. It mostly happens in Scandinavia now. And aeronautical engineering has progressed leaps and bounds since Earhart went missing. It's clear, that when the invasion happens, it's going to feel a little bit steam punk, very old-fashioned and exquisitely uni-breasted.

CASE CLOSED

Mister Rhys Mystery, Case #10: Nessie

There is a word that the liberal left like to overuse when talking about legendary but shy beasts, and it is this: cryptid. It's a derogatory term that basically means 'imaginary animal', and is lazily applied to a multitude of unexplained biological wonders, for which conventional science has found no 'proof'. Bigfoot is one such 'cryptid' and the Loch Ness Monster, aka Nessie, is another.

Nessie is undoubtedly one of the most famous of these cryptids and dates back to the 7th century, where there reports of a 'monster' on the prowl in Loch Ness. These reports were, clearly, heavily embellished, and the term word 'monster' is a woefully inaccurate description, given what we know of Nessie's kind-hearted temperament. She is a gentle, loving beast who, it is posited by me some, may well be a fallen angel with healing tears and a sword of light. Admittedly, she has never been photographed wielding a sword of light, but there is some argument for the fact that anything composed entirely of light might not come out in a photograph.

But I digress (and will stick to the facts).

Nessie was dubbed the Loch Ness Monster (LNM) in 1933, a time of peace, between two world wars, and she was seen out of the water, crossing a road. She was also blamed for someone else falling off a motorbike, but this is a great, dirty lie. She was photographed for the first time in 1934 and, I think you'll agree, she is magnificent. In 1938, some bright spark decided to go on a Nessie hunt with a great big harpoon gun. She was then not seen again until the 50s. Coincidence? (Trick question; there is no such thing!)

When they did manage to find her in 1954, it was with sonar technology. This is when a boat makes sounds and... yes, well this leads to knowing what is in the water! It proved inconclusively that there was something moving under the boat and that this was, almost definitely Nessie. That this experiment has not been replicated to this day, despite great advances in technology, is clearly a case of Nessie's introverted nature at play. She has shown us once that she is with us, and that is enough.

In 2003, the BBC supposedly debunked the supposed myth of the 'supposed' Loch Ness Monster, by doing lots of scans of the loch with lots of sonar and... other things... that would be able to find something the size of a small buoy. They found nothing and the scientists, who had nothing better to do apparently, proved that there was no such thing as an LNM.

Suuuuuuuuuure.

If you believe, like some, that Nessie has a great big light sword, and is a fallen angel with healing tears, do you think that a little bit of sonar or radar or what-have-you couldn't be fooled? I'm not entirely sure of the logistics but then I'm not a divine being. I imagine that a simple bit of sword swirling is involved and then the sonar noises go back to the boats saying something along the lines of 'there's just normal water here, boss'. (If that's how sonar works, I don't know; I clearly have better things to do than learn science.)

She's out there, no matter what the television people say, you mark my words. And she will rise from that loch, oh yes, she will rise! not sure what she's going to do then, but, well, she does have that sword...

CASE CLOSED

Mister Rhys Mysteries, Case #9: Atlantis!

It is a recorded fact that water takes up at least 5% of the earth's surface, but that we know less about the ocean's depths than we do about space and aliens and the future. We know that there are fish in it, and sea 'mammals', and Nazi submarines, and some think there is pollution in it, but what about people?

There are loads of humans living on land - surely, logically, this means that there must also be people living underwater? (And I don't mean animals that supposedly think like people, like dolphins and mermaids, I mean actual human beings.) It just stands to reason.

Well Plato thought so too, so he made up presented his findings on the matter thousands of years ago, when he told us the history of Atlantis, which is an island that was as big as Libya and Asia combined, which sank into the water and became lost. He doesn't mention that the people quickly involved into sea dwellers, capable of breathing underwater and of surviving the crushing pressure of the ocean depths, but it is implied.

So what have the Atlanteans been doing in the last few millennia? And what do they look like?

There are theories, mostly in comics.

Well, as all conspiracy theorists worth their salt (water - ha!) are aware, there is no such thing as coincidence. Clearly, there are two things that unite the disparate images of sea-dwelling people: a green and gold colour scheme, and forks.

'But surely gold and green just go with water blues!' I hear cynics cry.  'And the forks are tridents, inspired by the Poseidon myth!'

The sad thing about such cynics is their unquestioning and smug belief that theirs is the only opinion that matters. They won't ever believe the theory I'm about to posit. But think about it... think about it.

So, gold and green, what does that remind you of?

 

Capitalism, perhaps? Imperialism, maybe? Greed?

And what about the fork? Well, that just goes without saying...
 

Ever heard of Sodom and Gomorrah? This, in my theory, is the fate that befell the Atlanteans. They were an avaricious race, and the seas ate them up as punishment. Strangely, though, they survived, and lived on... just underwater. Maybe they learnt their lesson?

There have been a number of hunts for Atlantis, notably by the notoriously gullible Nazi party. Nothing has come up, per se, but one can't discount popular culture entirely from telling the truth that is yet to be uncovered.

Atlantis exists; we just haven't looked in the right place yet.

CASE CLOSED

Mister Rhys Mystery, Case #8: Winchester Mystery House

Unfortunately, this post does not take place in Hampshire. I would love to write a piece entirely devoted the town that once housed the UK's fattest teenager, but, in effect, there is absolutely nothing to say about Winchester. If anything, the real mystery is this: when will something happen, and why is everyone so old? (I realise that this is two mysteries). But someone greater than me will have to answer that. Which means it will never be answered!

HA!

No, this post is about the American Winchester, which is not a place but a surname. And a gun (named after the surname). This is a Winchester Repeater Rifle:

You will be familiar with it if you have no life. Well this gun was invented by a Mr Lieutenant Governor Winchester, whose son married a woman, if you can imagine, and she was called Sarah Winchester (post marriage, obviously). I won't bother telling you her husband's name because he only goes and dies right at the beginning of the story. Actually, before that, their baby daughter dies too. I promise that this is the darkest, saddest part of the story, if you don't count ghost legions and mental illness.

[This all happened many years ago by-the-by, so please do not request 'sources' or 'fact-checking'; everyone involved is dead and you can't prove anything.]

Well, after her family all died, Sarah Winchester did a bit of a Cherie, and took some advice from a spiritualist who 'helped her realise' that the Winchester family fortune was being haunted by the souls of all those who had been killed by Winchester Repeater Rifles, which was about three quarters of the world's population, ever. The haunting looked like this:

But with less Aragorn and many more Red Indians. These days, Red Indians are called Native Americans and they are not ghosts.

Well, Sarah decides that she doesn't want this haunted fortune, and that she must spend all of the money on a worthwhile project. Her spiritual advisor, and possibly some angels, told her that she should build a house! In California! It is very sad indeed that they told her to build the house in sunny California, rather than, say, Hampshire - very sad indeed!

Anyway, so she built this house, in California, and she did a good job and paid her builders very well for it. When she was finished, her fortune still felt pretty haunted so, she thought, best keep on building! So she added some extensions to the side. And then to the top. And then about five more times to the top. What had been an eight-room house (which... is a fair amount of rooms for one old widow), turned into a seven story mansion! And that took about 25 years all in, most of her adult life.

The interesting things about the house, other than Sarah's bizarre compulsion to build and build and build on it, is that the house made very little architectural sense. Staircases would lead to the ceiling, doors opened out into brick walls, there were no mirrors in the whole house, there's a Hall of Fires and a Seance Room! What on earth was she building? And why?

Well the obvious answer is that she was a distraught widow, trying to cope with a kind of Survivor's Guilt by trying to spend away all of the money she'd married in to, desperately hoping to buy back the lives of her father and child.

PFFT.

It's ghosts, isn't it? She was building them a place to live. Those doorways covered in brick? No trouble for a ghost! Same with the stairways leading into ceilings. Lack of mirrors? That's a ghost thing. Or is that vampires? Both? And the Seance Room and Hall of Fires speak for themselves! That's just the ghostly, olden-days equivalent of, respectively, a conference room and, um, a hall of fires. They made her do it, clearly, and they'll make you do it too, if you get rich. Never. Get. Rich.

CASE CLOSED

Mister Rhys Mystery, Case #7: Deals with the Devil

Have you ever wondered how certain people got to where they are in life? Ever noticed those people who have achieved disproportionately high degree of success despite having very little in the way of talent, charm, luck or intelligence? The mind baffles, does it not? How do these people, nepotism aside, reach such dizzying heights? How do they, in a world full of talented people, rise to the fore of their field, without ever providing any convincing evidence? Could the cause possibly be supernatural? Yes, yes it could.

There are, of course, over three thousand things that cannot be explained by supposed real science. The majority of these are the subject of intense interest, and more often that not are finally explained by Paranormal Invesitgators, like myself, a.k.a. The Real Heroes. However, the remainder (approximately 628.5 individual mysterious phenomena) cannot be explained by either science or PIs. Over the last few thousand years, these instances have been banded together under the catch-all term of 'Religion'.

These days, Religion is widely believed to have been invented by the primitive, right-wing Israeli media and is therefore the subject of much suspicion in this more enlightened era (with the exception of the more culturally astute brands of Religion, such as Wicca and Amishiness). This is largely due to the outlandish and far-fetched stories used to justify these faiths, the ethical piousness that accompany said stories, and to the arguably ridiculous costumery. However, if you wade through the chaff, there are one or two nuggets of truth in that steaming pile of 628.5 mysteries.

Miracles, for example, they are a thing. Just look at Jesus Toast! Turbans, and carrying a little dagger, and other such Sikh rituals, very pragmatic. And Daoism... well that's all pretty believable, I'd say.

And then there is the Devil.

The Devil was first made popular in a book called the Bible, and he is generally thought to be quite mischievous, if not entirely, definitely evil. He showed up in various texts after that, under a number of guises, but deals with him were first brought to prominence thanks to Goethe, in a story called Faust: A Tragedy, which is about a man who makes a deal with the Devil.

And what's one of those?

Essentially, a Deal with the Devil involves making a kind of deal, usually, but not always, with the devil. All you have to do is sell your soul and then you can get anything you like. It is commonly agreed that one should ask for something quite worthwhile, as selling one's soul is thought to lead to an eternity of torment in Hell (though this has never convincingly been proven). So, for example, fame and fortune are seen as worth it, but a delicious meal or, erm, anything else, less so.

You may now be seeing numerous images of  famous types running through your mind, wondering which ones have done the dirty deed? It's all of them. And what of reality TV stars, and the famous children of famous people? The answer is, scarily, the Devil has played no part in any of that, not even Peaches Geldof.

[Please note, any images supplied during this blog post are purely decorative, and bear no relation to the topic.]

CASE CLOSED

Mister Rhys Mystery, Case #6: Raining Cats and Dogs and Newts and Frogs

Now we get on to the juicy stuff. My next novel centres around a small community dealing with the blight of frequent storms, where the clouds deliver not just rain, but angry wet cats (tentative title: It's Raining Cats... and Nothing Else), so I have already been researching the phenomenon of raining animals for quite some time. And I think it's time to dispel some myths.

(Side note: I'm talking about land-based animals falling from the sky here, not birds and bats and other flying animals. Quite frankly, I'm not entirely sure how they get up there in the first place, nor how they continue to stay up, and I'm mostly surprised that it isn't raining birds all day, every day. No, this is about animals you wouldn't expect to see falling from the sky.)

Since almost the dawn of time, until this very year, there have been numerous reports of animals appearing from nowhere (or the sky) landing all over everything and generally making a huge, bloody mess (apart from the frogs which seem to be quite good at landing). There have been a number of reports of fish and amphibian rain, but also spider, worm and cow rain. My sources didn't actually reveal any instances of cat or dog rain, though clearly this informed the English lexicon and must have been a common occurrence around the time of English's invention.

(Another side note: each nationality has its own way of describing heavy rain. For instance, the Czechs say 'wheelbarrows' on account of their love of gardening, the Danish say 'shoemaker's apprentice' because... they like shoes, and the Norwegians say 'she-trolls' because they hate women. The warmongering history of many countries is evident in their idiomatic description of heavy rain as 'a stream of mallets' (India), 'pen knives' (Portugal) and 'axes' (Serbia). It makes you realise how good the English have it, and how sturdy umbrellas must be in some countries. Only the Flemish and Germans have cuter idioms, with 'kittens' and 'young dogs' respectively used to describe heavy/historical rain. But I digress.)

So why does it rain animals? Is it water funnels/tornados sucking animals up into the weather system? Is it God, blighting humanity with nuisance plagues? Is it evil shapeshifting sheep? Who can say? After years of actual scientific study, we are no closer to finding the answers. But it's definitely not the funnels or God. There is one man, one quiet, lovely inventor/author who may have found the answer, and hidden it deep within a children's book. A man named Roald Dahl.

Ever heard of James and the Giant Peach?

In this book, some giant insects use the string generated by a spider and a silk worm to hook a number of birds to a giant fruit, in order to help them fly it. Now, realistically, giant insects and spiders are more likely to eat birds than use them to pilot stone fruit, due to their lack of actual intelligence, but the science is sound. Mine and Dahl's theory goes like this:

What if, for personal reasons, a group of animals, let's say jellyfish, decide to 'fly the coop', so to speak. Well how are they going to do it? Well they can't very well swim away (because of the personal reasons, which likely vary from species to species but might, for instance, involve a surly farmer), so they enlist the help of nearby flocks of birds. They're saved! Except they forget that birds are stupid, due to their small brains - a load-shucking necessity for flight - and at about the exact same time, they all drop their cargo. Cut to a big stinking mess, which may or may not coincide with a storm. And the phenomenon of animal rain is explained.

CASE CLOSED

PS. As a sneak bonus, below are unlettered excerpts from the graphic novelisation of my forthcoming novel, It's Raining Cats... and Nothing Else. It's based on a true story, probably.

Mister Rhys Mystery, Case #5: Spontaneous Human Combustion

Wouldn't it be amazing, if you had superpowers? Specifically, wouldn't it be amazing if your superpower were the ability to make fire? Think of all the fun stuff you could do; you could fly and burn stuff and stuff. Wouldn't that be amazing? No! It would make you dead!

There's a theory, quite possibly compounded by 'fictional' characters like the Human Torch, that if one had the ability to generate flame, then one must be immune to its effects. Inflammable, if you will. Except that inflammable actually means flammable! In all likelihood, if you were able to make fire with your body, you wouldn't look like this:

So much as this:

And that, it is theorised, by me, is the cause of so-called Spontaneous Human Combustion: bad superpowers.

There are other things that people say is causing SHC, that are patently ridiculous, and I will burn down these straw men now.

1. Alcohol

This is because of Dickens and Bleak House, where a drunkard combusts all over the place. It does make some kind of sense, as alcohol is more likely to explode than, say, a normal non-drunk human person. But this can be disproved by virtue of the fact that certain Irish countries I could mention have yet to be entirely engulfed by a sea of giant, boozy fireballs.

2. Cigarettes, matches, lighters, etc.

Most SHC cases do occur at parties, pubs, houses: the kinds of place where, historically, people could smoke, and so some naysayers have put SHC down to accidental cigarette droppage/matches horseplay. Which is of course ridiculous. If someone had set themselves/someone else on fire with a match or cigarette, surely they would immediately jump to inform the relevant authorities? This theory assumes that we live in a world full of murderous liar types who like setting people on fire, and I think we can all agree that that's a world we'd rather not live in.

I'm sure some instances of SHC occurring since the smoking ban would further help to disprove this theory, but I have yet to find any. Though they are likely to have occurred, a lot.

 3. Methane

This one is completely cock-a-hoop. They say that the methane in our stomachs could maybe create enough heat, and be combustible enough, to make us blow up from the inside.

Except:

a) That's what farting is for!

and b) What about the pigs? And the cows? They make more methane than us, right? And you don't hear of any evidence of cows spontaneously combusting right there in the middle of the fields, right?

Unless... no, that couldn't be it... could it?

CASE... CLOSED?

Mister Rhys Mystery, Case #4: The Bermuda Triangle

Triangles. Eh? They're the strongest shape. They make perfect formations. You put two together and suddenly you have a star (of David). It's the shape for all men: for brainy academics, and for people who like sport (snooker). It makes cheese tastier. It makes chocolate tastier. You put two together and you can fastforward. It makes music creepy.

It was only a matter of time.

Before December 1945, nobody had even heard of Bermuda. Even Bermuda shorts were the proverbial ugly sister, to Hawaii's Cinderella shirt.

'Bermuda?' the people would say. 'I think you're thinking of Barbuda.'

'No,' said the people's friend who'd originally heard of Bermuda, 'you're thinking of Barbados.'

And so the bickering would commence and, in the end, nobody would even remember where the conversation began. It began with Bermuda.

But in December 1945, Flight 19, five torpedo bombers on a routine training flight from Florida went missing. There were 14 experienced flying men between the planes and not one of them was ever seen again. It's thought that their navigation equipment went mysteriously awry and something something something BERMUDA TRIANGLE. This was confounded by the rescue boat plane, carrying 13 people, which also went missing mysteriously.

It appears that the Bermuda Triangle has the ability to disrupt electronics, to sking ships, take down planes, and to hide the evidence. And over the years, various mysterious happenings such as Flight 19 have been occurring, right under our noses, and no amount of technology or common sense have been able to uncover the reasons why.
 
Until now.

My opening paragraph was not just beautiful poetry, it was a series of examples of the mysterious and dangerous phenomena surrounding triangles. It's no coincidence that the Bermuda Triangle begins in Miami, the home of the bikini, an unholy trinity of triangles:

And I'm sure San Juan and Bermuda have their equivalents, though I will leave that discovery to the scientists. The fact is this:

Triangles are evil.

My advice? Destroy the triangles. Every last one of them. You'd be safest destroying any straight edge or corner, if I'm honest. Get a sander, or some sandpaper (you will need lots). When, and I mean when, the time comes... you will be grateful that you did.

CASE CLOSED

Mister Rhys Mystery, Case #3: The Black Sheep

I have noticed a worrying trend in the newspapers. Unlike my previous posts, this is not a question of existence, because the proof there is incontrovertible, but a question of why? And, more worryingly, a question of where this is leading.

I am, of course, talking about the evil ovis, The Black Sheep.

(Just as a side note, when I say black, I don't mean the colour, I mean the evilness. This is in no way a racial thing, as the sheep in question are predominantly whiteish.)

The signs have been there for quite some time. I am about to show you some quite shocking examples and then I shall explain the dire consequences. Brace yourselves.

It started with Human Face Lamb:

Then there was Dog Lamb:

And then, most recent (and worrying) of all, Flying Sheep:

This pattern is clear. Those with their head in the sand would have you believe that these are individual cases, unrelated to each other, just one-off mutations, coincidence or pranks, but these people are wrong. This is my theory:

It's well known by just about anyone who's ever read a book (which I have), that those who are bullied will, eventually, go on to become bullies themselves. This is psychological fact. Now, think about the sheep throughout the ages. Let me see, there's:

• Humans killing and eating them
• Occult sacrifice (like in the Bible)
• Humans cloning them against their will
• And stealing their milk to make sub-par diary
• The wolves, and big cats, that are always having a maul

So, you can agree that they might, as a species, feel a little bit annoyed. So we've established a motive, but what on earth is going on? Ever heard of Cross Species Mimicry? Possibly not, as I just coined the term, but it works something like this.

Tired of being messed around all these years, the sheep have decided to fight back. But how? Well, they've learned how to simulate the appearance and gifts of other species, presumably in order to begin a stealth attack on humanity. Admittedly, I am unsure of the science of this, but in the immortal words of Jeff Goldblum, 'life finds a way.'

They could be any one of us.

Mister Rhys Mystery, Case #2: Bigfooty

If my last M R Mystery about The Bristol Hum was apt, given that I'd just moved to Bristol, then this one about Bigfoot is super-apt. Everyone knows I have big feet! I suggest watching this video to get you in the mood:

To make this topic even more... topical, there was a report just recently, stating: Bigfoot Investigators to test hair DNA. Which is referring to a clump of hair that was found mysteriously by truckers, on a truck. According to the article, 'it's creepy, and it's not a bear.' So it's definitely not a bear. But, just playing devil's advocate, could it be the hair of any of the other mammals that exist?

Well that's what the Bigfoot Investigators are about to find out! Yes, yes that is a job and you wish it was yours.

Bigfoot Investigators are, of course, a special breed, and they have a natural enemy, one that's blighted their attempts to find Bigfoot ever since he was first invented, I mean spotted. That enemy, my friends?

The hobo.

You see, hobos, or 'homeless persons' to use the scientific term, are, in almost every single way, the exact same as Bigfoot. According to an expert in the field, this is not just a surface similarity, but goes down to the very genetics: 'Of course, if you take a DNA sample and it comes back near-human or primate, then it would match both Bigfoot and a homeless person.' Of course.

You would be forgiven for thinking that homeless persons we actual human beings, given their occasional use of language, and general human fleshiness, but this is, in fact, a myth. Homeless persons are close to human, certainly, and our nearest cousins, after monkeys and apes and Bigfoot, but science definitely agrees that they are a whole other life form.

And so unfortunately, this hair may not be from the lesser-known Bigfoot, but the more common hobo, and there's no real way of knowing. Until then, we will have to settle for the photographic evidence already compiled by the Bigfoot Investigators, almost all of which haven't been definitively confirmed as men in gorilla costumes/homeless persons:

 I'm convinced.

CASE CLOSED

Mister Rhys Mystery, Case #1: The Bristol Hum

It's not just a name, you see?

So, appropriately, I've decided to solve the age-old mystery of the Bristol Hum. That mystery being: what is the Bristol Hum? It's a hum that people hear in Bristol. But what is it?!

Well, it began in the 60s, around about the time a lot of people were taking drugs, but that's neither here nor there, unless you think it is. A lot of people couldn't hear it and still can't. I never have, and I have been in and around the place for seven years. And I can still hear the Mosquito, so I have very youthful (you could even say handsome) ears. Anyway, it drove a lot of people to distraction and was blamed for a lot of preciousness-like symptoms (insomnia, headaches, nosebleeds, death).

So some people thought The Hum was aliens, and others thought it was traffic (you'd think), and some thought it was mass hallucination. The cure that was actually prescribed for those who could hear it... a TIN FOIL HAT!

So you'll probably get these 'scientists' who think that tin foil hats 'don't cure The Hum' or what have you, but it sounds pretty sensible, doesn't it? You know, something something radio waves something something BLOCK IT OUT? Yeah, the 60s were awesome.

Anyway, cut to the 2000s and some guy comes up with some kind of psychological reasoning behind it. Basically something along the lines of how we [people who hear The Hum, not me - I only hear things that exist] are opening our ear holes up to too much ambient noise with our minds and the cure is... psychotherapy and relaxation...? Sounds pretty cuckoo to me! Like, if you trusted what that qualified professional had to say, then maybe your cat's brain wouldn't be safe.

So maybe this is because I only recently saw X-Men: First Class and it made me love the 60s more, and maybe it's because the next film I want to see is Super 8 and I think aliens are cool, but as far as I'm concerned the conclusions are obvious.

Aliens did it! In the 60s!

CASE CLOSED